Gather around, friends, for the tale of Pope Joan, the first and only (totally fictional) female pope.
Around the 13th century is when the stories started popping up about ol’ Joanie, the English-born woman who, disguised as a (fair-faced cutiepie) man, rose through the ranks of the clergy to become the Vatican’s number-one-gun.
The details change depending on your source, because hey—it definitely didn’t happen!—but here’s the core of the tale that you should walk away with: she reigned as pope for a few years, (she didn’t) and had everyone fooled the whole way through.
One day, on her procession from St. Peter’s Basilica to the Lateran, (the palace of the popes) she had to take a quick break to fall to the ground and pop out a baby. The cardinals and priests were understandably confused, but keeping a cool head they did what any ignorant, superstitious mob of crazies would do and tied her to a horse, dragged her naked through the city, and stoned her to death. Roman Catholic Church 1, female pope-impostors zilch.
The spot was marked with a silly poem about female popes betraying the religion, and from then on the papal procession always avoided the spot, most likely due to an intense fear that they too could be in danger of leaking out a tiny human, thereby forfeiting their sweet clothes, incredible wealth, and arbitrary temporal/magic power combo.
Once again, this absolutely did not happen. But for a long time—hundreds of years through the middle ages and Renaissance—a huge amount of people believed it did. Popes John VII and VIII (again, it depends on who you’re talking to) were both believed to be the secret popette, their reigns falling in the mid-9th century. It is most certainly believable that vatican historians would have a hard time sorting it all out, since during the 1900-odd years of an actual pope in Peter’s seat there hasn’t been a lot of consistency in terms of who everybody actually acknowledged as the reigning pope, relatively speaking (not to mention the 25+ recorded antipopes jumping in and out of the picture).
The papacy is crazy, but some of it’s myths are even crazier.
No, I take that back. The two are equally crazy.
Just like how mom used to do.
Nostalgic? …for previous, abusive relationships, or prior, violence-sexy relationships? Or, er, anything else that is also completely wrong in the situation at hand? :D
Plus: Indifferent. Really? Either you like getting smacked in the kisser, or you don’t. A slap is not the same as, say a caress in an uncomfortable place (like the back of a Wolksvagen), you know. :D
Wow, that slap you gave me really brought back some fantastic memories about soccer practice when I was 8. We had this guy, who had a powerful shot, and he once hit me right in the face. I kinda miss that guy. Oh wait. Are we having sex right now?
This is from the English for hearing impaired subtitles for Snow White and the Huntsman. I was gonna ask someone to write a erotic story based on these, but then I realized it already is.
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISPERING) Our Father who art
(HEART BEATING LOUDLY)
(HEART RATE INCREASING)
(SHOUTING) Have I not
(LAUGHS) We have no
(HORSES WHINNYING FAINTLY)
(SIGHS) I’m not sure
(ANIMAL CALLING LOUDLY)
(GASPS IN PAIN)
(WOMAN SINGING) Gone their sun
(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)
(WHISPERING) Frost to fire
(GROANS IN DISGUST)
(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)
(SNOW WHITE COUGHS)
Antonin Scalia is a Supreme Court Justice, which means he’s an important guy. He’s such a big shot he gets to wear a robe at work and no one says anything, and he also gets invited to speak at places like Princeton University. “Come talk in front of our students and just say whatever you want!” the people in charge of Princeton said, probably. “Like, whatever. You’re such a good thinker that you literally run the country, so whatever you say is going to be so fucking awesome. Can’t wait!”
But the downside to being an important guy who gets invited to speak at Princeton is that when you say something that sounds kind of weird—or kinda dumb—it spreads all over the internet. In this case, the weird- and dumb-sounding thing he said was that the government can ban stuff that is “immoral” and, while attempting to illustrate his point, he compared bans on homosexuality with bans on murder. Ha ha, what? He explained it this way to the Princeton student who asked him about that comparison, and didn’t waste the chance to be kind of a dick:
“It’s a form of argument that I thought you would have known, which is called the ‘reduction to the absurd’… If we cannot have moral feelings against homosexuality, can we have it against murder? Can we have it against other things?”
I thought Scalia would have known the difference between murder and sodomy—whereas both are things that involve two or more people doing stuff to each other, in sodomy’s case everyone wants it to happen (“Hey, please put that doohickey in that hole, please”), and in murder’s case one guy really, really doesn’t want it to. If we use the “reduction to the absurd” technique that Scalia loves so much, he’s saying that you can make a law against literally anything that a bunch of people find immoral, even if what you’re outlawing is a private activity between consenting adults. So, presumably, according to Scalia we could ban all of these sex acts, none of which are “gay” but are probably “immoral”:
- Masturbating while your cat is watching.
- Having sex in your old room while staying at your parents’ house for the holidays.
- Doing that thing where she’s like, “I’m an innocent elf maiden in peril!” and you’re like, “I’ll save you, for I am Galathor the Liberator!” and then you fuck like crazy and it’s really good and you have a talk afterward like, “Hey, is this weird? It’s not weird, right? I’m so glad we figured out we’re both into this! I love you.”
- Locking the bedroom door so your cat has to watch you masturbate.
- Doing that elf maiden/Liberator scenario as above, only instead of sexy ears and hats and swords, you use black robes and one of you pretends to be Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.
- Having sex while actually being Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.
- Exchanging sexy gchats while at work.
- Using familial nicknames during sex such as “Mama,” “Papi,” or “Dirty Uncle Wally.”
- Getting drunk with your girlfriend and her hot friend and talking until it gets really late and they’re getting kinda touchy with each other and you think, Whoa, maybe I’ll finally get to have a threesome, but no, her friend just goes home.
- Texting “You up?” or “Hey, you wanna hang out?” to anyone of the opposite gender after 2 AM.
- Having heterosexual, missionary-style, no-oral intercourse with your wife that is 100 percent procreative—as in, you want kids and even keep track of her ovulation cycles so you’ll know when she’s most fertile or whatever—but you invite your neighbor over to watch the two of you and masturbate.
- Looking down when you’re at the urinal.
It’s probably unconstitutional to ban sexy gchats or situations where you maybe had a shot at a threesome but you blew it, you dumb idiot. But I would have said that it’s unconstitutional for US marshals to seize voice recorders from reporters recording a public speech—and Scalia is already 100 percent cool with that. So if anyone gets the chance, please ask him if he’s cool with those sex acts on my behalf. Especially the elf maiden thing.